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Rules for Cats #5: Make yourself comfortable at all times. Remember that nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING, is more important than your own comfort.
- If you want to take a nap on the overhead closet shelf, it is permissible to climb suits, blouses, and other delicate hanging items to get there.
- A loaf of fresh bread or a package of rolls left on the counter can make an exceptionally comfortable chaise.
- A word to expectant mothers: scout out the most comfortable birthing location in the house. Lingerie drawers are a traditional favorite, but any site that holds expensive and delicate clothing will do.
Rules for Cats #4: Let nothing keep you from your rightful place at the center of the universe. If your person seems preoccupied, find gentle ways to remind him that you are the most important being in the world.
- When someone is cooking, place yourself between the cook and his work. Observing from a distance greater than six inches is not condoned.
- The very best place to sit is wherever someone is already sitting.
- Remember that it is extremely important for you to jump between the sheets as the bed is being made.
- A good general rule is to remain underfoot at all times.
Rules for Cats #3: Learn to deal effectively with children, dogs and other inferiors.
- If you have brawled with other house felines, deny your role in the unpleasantness. Hold firm to your story, even if tufts of the other fellow's fur are visible between your toes.
- Children are generally to be avoided, except in picnic or barbecue situations, where they seldom keep close watch on their plates.
- There are several steps to handling dogs:
- When a strange dog enters your home, climb to a safe height and look both terrified and hurt.
- Keep a straight face as the dog is scolded for frightening you.
- Allow yourself to be coaxed down with an editable treat.
- When no one is looking, swipe the dog across the nose.
- Repeat steps 1-4 as often as necessary, until the dog is permanently removed.
- If, during the day, you have had a disagreement with another cat, wait until later to settle it. After midnight is mandatory, preferably between two and four a.m.
Rules for Cats #2: Cultivate the feline mystique.
- Never be too consistent. It is important to keep the person in your life guessing when it comes to your likes and dislikes.
- Should you make a faux pas, always act as if your action was deliberate and intentional.
- Do not, under any circumstances, reveal your true intelligence or your ability to fend for yourself. You will blow the gig for all of us.
- Learn to look bored instead of merely lazy. An expression of boredom will cause your person to feel guilty, and this will work to your advantage.
Rule #1: Never stifle your inner kitten. Instead, find ways to explore your creative talents.
- If your person is working at the computer, run across the keyboard often. This eliminates the need for a screensaver and provides an outlet for the writer within you.
- Do not forget that your claws are not only a defensive weapon but also a remarkable decorating device that can perform miracles on humdrum upholstery as well as knit garments.
- Lace curtains, however delicate, can obstruct an otherwise pleasant view. To create your own portals, hold the curtain taut with one paw while slashing crosswise with the other paw. Do not hold back for fear of breaking or damaging something. Give yourself free reign and never underestimate your person's willingness to clean up, repari or replace whatever you have harmed.
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